Feel the Music

My old violin teacher used to always tell me, “Just breathe and feel the music” and last night, those words resonated in my mind.  Last month, I stopped my violin lessons that I’ve had for almost 9 years.  Needless to say, I was not thrilled when my mom wanted me to quit; of course she had her reasons to make me quit, and she had the best intentions.  I was dejected for weeks after as I felt as though I had lost a part of me and my teacher of 4 years were almost as depressed as me if not more.

I have joined my local orchestra for 6 years now, and I served as concert mistress for 3 years until recently when I moved to the higher level orchestra. I decided to stay in orchestra so I don’t become completely musically illiterate, but the results were worse than I expected.  Since I quit, I tried to keep my skill level up to par as I have for the last 9 years, but I could feel my fingers harden.  For a few weeks I couldn’t hear the 3^rd octave A on my E string instantly.  I had problems playing fast separate-bowed 32^nd notes.  Slowly, my skills fell, and I could feel it slipping away -literally- from my fingers.  I increasingly grew frustrated and dejected, for music has never been a struggle for me and suddenly, I had problems on things I used to do in my sleep.  With each practice I felt as though I wanted to just give up and cry in the corner for being a failure.  

Now I may sound overly dramatic, but music had been my life since I was born.  Both my older brother and sister played violin and piano; and since I was allowed to play, I aspired to reach and surpass their level.  Music played a huge role in my life; it made me learn to be comfortable in front of a crowd or audience.  It made me realize I can never please everyone- only myself.  It made me confident in myself.  It helped me though all the tough times in my life, especially all my stress.  Then all of a sudden, music became another stress for me rather than a stress reliever.  For weeks, I felt out of place and I started to retrograde into being shy, uncertain in myself and my actions, and out of place.  What had made me unique was gone.  

So last night I had an orchestra concert which I was certain I would not do well because of all my mess ups during rehearsal.  I was worried that I would destroy the prefect sound the orchestra would make and it was nerve wracking.  I had never been so worried just to perform in an orchestra performance; solos yes, but never what used to be a simple orchestra performance.  It was such an unusual experience for me; I was not used to being rusty, not sitting in the primary two seats, having to worry about messing up on parts I previously could master, and so much more.  But as soon as I heard that fanfare introduction from the trumpets and trombones, I could feel all my fear and worry melt away and I remembered, “Just breathe and feel the music.”

At that moment, I realized just how silly all my worries were and how I was over-complicating things.  I could still feel the music.  It wasn’t as though all my 9 years of playing disappeared in a month.  I still had a joy for playing the violin.  Unexpectedly, last night’s concert was the best orchestra concert I had performed in so far in my life.  Music has played such an important part of my life that I will always remember, “Just breathe and feel the music.” 

Disclaimer: I know this is a bit long and there is more like a life story post than a strictly one event post, but this was the only way I could convey the affect of this event.